“How would you handle a situation when you have to leave the park to go get your other two children and unfortunately can’t sit on the bench for thirty minutes while she cries?” – Sandra
your child just needs to cry. If you’ve been reading these posts for awhile, you know that children’s behavior is driven by their needs and emotions
(just like adult behavior.) If you want the behavior to change, you have to make it safe for them to show you the tears and fears that are driving
it. Otherwise, those hurts stay clenched inside, stored in what we might think of as an emotional backpack. They come bubbling up whenever your child
suffers even a small disappointment.
So, you sometimes find yourself sitting on a park bench with a sobbing child. Amazingly, after the meltdown, your child is usually cooperative for the
rest of the day, or even the week. Sibling squabbles diminish and your child is unusually affectionate. So any parent who can stay calm enough to support
their child lovingly through a big cry usually becomes a convert and starts to embrace tears, rather than shutting them down.
BUT what if you don’t have time? Sometimes, after all, you have other children to go pick up, or “the baby is crawling away putting leaves in his mouth and my toddler is throwing a tantrum on the swing and my 4-year-old is running to the slides because he doesn’t want to leave,” as Kristin said in response to my post about helping a child leave the playground.
The answer is that sometimes you really don’t have time for big emotions. So you do what you can in advance, to avoid the meltdown in the moment.
1. Start early. Since you know that a meltdown is likely, start the process of leaving the park at least half hour earlier than
you think you need to. Worst case scenario, you’ll get to the older child’s school early and play at their playground.
2. Remember to acknowledge things from your child’s perspective. Of course he doesn’t want to leave the playground. When kids feel understood,
they’re more likely to do what we ask, even if they don’t see any benefit for themselves. So EMPATHY is your magic wand. Make sure your child feels
that you’ve listened, understood, and tried to take his needs into account.
3. Make it worth their while. This is not a bribe. This is an acknowledgment that your child needs something to move towards, and it helps
you sidestep the power struggle because it gives your child a way to let go of what he’s fighting for. Maybe it’s the playground at big brother’s school,
or the music he can choose in the car, or a snack in the car, or he gets to unlock the car. Maybe he simply needs the choice about whether he hops
out of the park like a kangaroo or zooms like a rocket. Whatever gives him a little hit of dopamine when he thinks about it, so he has a reason to
get off that wonderful swing.
4. Divide and Conquer. Too many children to corral? Put the baby on your back. Then enroll the four year old in your plan. If he gets
excited about leaving, he’ll help convince the toddler.
5. When all else fails, pick up your howling child and leave. If you can manage to grunt out an occasional empathic acknowledgment
as you stagger to the car, great — your child might even feel “heard.” If not, just bite your tongue so you don’t start screaming. True, you aren’t
helping your child process her emotions, so you can expect a meltdown later today, over the slightest frustration. But at least she knows you’re serious
when you say it’s time to leave, so you only have to do this once or twice.
Of course, that’s also true if you sit on the park bench with her for half an hour, as I described in this previous post, and it’s easier for you to stay calm using that approach. But when you have another child waiting, this child’s
meltdown will just have to happen in the car. Hopefully, you can get the other kids safely into the car and occupied with music and snacks, and then
listen and empathize with your upset child. But there are times when even that’s impossible due to time constraints, and you just have to drive.
Here’s the catch. Every time you ignore your child’s emotions, you’re asking her to stuff them. If she doesn’t get another opportunity to work them
through, they’ll drive more “bad” behavior. So the bad news is that while sometimes feelings just have to wait, when you can’t listen to your
child’s feelings you’ll see worse behavior later.
But the good news is that many of these meltdowns can be avoided to begin with. Preventive maintenance to help your child process emotions minimizes
meltdowns and increases cooperation. And if you have more than one child, you certainly can’t always be available for meltdowns when your child “blows”
so that means that your primary parenting strategy has to be prevention. Scheduled meltdowns, connection, empathy, “special time,” roughhousing games,
and empathic limits. Children raised that way are better able to regulate their emotions, and therefore their behavior.
So how can you use Preventive Maintenance? Watch for the next post!